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How Did I Get to Living in Fear?

by Dee Harris


   Have you ever lied?

   When I was just a kid, I lied. Mom told me I did.  She found teeth marks in the butter.  Little kid’s teeth marks and they were mine.  Why did I say they weren’t?  Just two or three years old and already lying.

   I just finished reading Beyond Fear, A Toltec Guide to Freedom and Joy, the teachings of Don Miguel Ruiz, from which I got some light bulb moments to help explain why I lied and continued to lie and live in fear for decades:

   There are two main rulers: Judge and Victim.  Judge blames us; Victim feels guilty and receives blame; they hate each other; and the communication between them is broken during domestication.

   Yes, humans are domesticated.  A pure, normal human being is still free, as in childhood, before domestication (1-1/2 to 3 years old).  During that time all emotions are coming from love unless angry or in pain.  Little humans are free to be and live in the present; they have no worries about the past nor worries about the future.

   Adults live constantly in the past and so worried to build their future that they avoid living in the present.  But for the child, nothing is really important.  Domestication comes through reward and punishment.  Mom and Dad were domesticated and, therefore, introduced us to concepts of good and bad, by rewarding good and punishing bad.

   Punishment brings feelings of injustice and we rebel.  It opens a wound in our mind that results in and creates emotional poison.  That pain in our heart is emotional, not physical.  The emotional poison gets into our mind.  Fear begins and starts controlling our behavior and our mind.  We are afraid of receiving punishment and fear not receiving reward.

   Reward is a sign of acceptance.  We struggle to be worthy in the eyes of our parents, teachers, friends and society.

   Domestication becomes so strong we no longer need anyone to domesticate us – we take over the task of our domestication by punishing ourselves and occasionally rewarding ourselves.  There are three components in our mindactively engaged in our self-domestication:

  1. Judge:  That part of our mind judges what we do, don’t do, feel, don’t feel, think, don’t think.  It judges everyone and everything.
  2. Victim:  Receives judgment and usually Judge finds Victim guilty.  Victim needs to be punished.  Victim part of our mind feels unworthy.
  3. Belief System:  What we’ve been taught including rules on how to live our life, where everything we believe without discussion is our truth.

   At no time does a small child have a choice of what to believe.  During domestication, the small child rebels, but lacks the power to change.  Teenagers rebel searching for identity.  At this crucial time in our lives, we see how the belief system represses normal human instincts and how adults manipulate young people.  Our future self-esteem depends upon how much resistance we meet during teen-age rebellion.  We might find some support and become a success in our life, or we might succumb to fear.

   The Judge and Victim are present in us regardless of rightness or wrongness of the belief system we have absorbed.  Our task is to rebel against the inner Judge and Victim, to get beyond them.

   The intention is to become happy as we were meant to be.  Become aware.  Be honest with yourself.  Express what you are.  Love others just as they are, whether or not they love you back.  It is the love that comes to you that makes you happy.

Thank you for being here for me to share my story.  Have a mighty fine day!

Aloha, Dee Harris