I found this photo in my Photo Saves. I don’t know where I got it, nor when, why or from whom, but it must have touched me that day I saw it, so I kept it. Well, it’s really resonating with me again today, today, at this very perfect moment in front of my nose.
The world is increasingly designed to depress us? Well, what really is the world?
1 he traveled the world: earth, globe, planet, sphere.
2 life on other worlds: planet, moon, star, heavenly body, orb.
3 the academic world: sphere, society, circle, arena, milieu, province, domain, orbit, preserve, realm, field, discipline, area, sector.
4 she would show the world that she was strong: everyone, everybody, people, mankind, humankind, humanity, the (general) public, the population, the populace, all and sundry, ‘every Tom, Dick, and Harry’.
5 a world of difference: huge amount, good deal, great deal, abundance, wealth, profusion, mountain; informal heap, lot, load, ton.
6 she renounced the world : society, material things, secular interests, temporal concerns, earthly concerns.
Ok, yes, if using description 4, “every Tom, Dick, and Harry” is out to get us. To make us feel less than. Pieces of shit. But wait! They have solutions for us low-lifes out here. Bandaids for problems we don’t even have. Does it say “stupid” on my forehead?
Boy, did I fall into the “stupid” category for most of my life. I wanted to be prettier, younger, richer, famous. I cared more about what the world thought of me than what I thought of me. Because I had no clue what I thought of myself. I had no self-worth. I took no time for self-love. I was void of that capacity in those chapters of my life.
I only remember being influenced by “the world” during my formative years, so that is what I took with me to my adult years. FEAR!!! My M.O. Fear that I wasn’t good enough. That you wouldn’t like me. Most of my life has been lived with this fear until…
In my forties my greatest fear wasn’t that I could not go a day without drinking, but the fear that I would be found out. It seemed like I lived a lifetime of sneaking around, buying my liquor at different liquor stores because what if they thought I had a problem, or buying loads of liquor and saying that I was having a party. Yeah, right. Then I would take swigs of the liquor on my way home so when I arrived home, I could drink like a lady. I would hide my liquor. I would replace liquor in bottles with water so no one would no how much I drank. Then I started buying wine in a box wondering if anyone would pick it up and feel how much weight was gone since I bought it yesterday. What an exhausting and wasteful way to live. Or was I even alive?
You know, it wasn’t wasteful. It was my story, my journey bringing me to the appreciation of having a choice today on whether or not to drink. Yep, I got found out. I just wanted to go somewhere, like the hospital, where I couldn’t get alcohol so I could be “normal” for awhile. Maybe get my act together. I thought about being locked up in a jail cell, but, no. Too expensive for bail. Everyone would know I had a drinking problem. Maybe I killed someone. Yikes!
But I got found out by not “coming to” in time for work like I did forever and FINALLY coming clean to my boss who helped get me on the right track. FINALLY. My Higher Power said that Dee was ready for a new chapter for her book! Thank you, God! I spent 20-whatever days in a treatment center for alcoholics. I learned and learned and sponged and absorbed so much during this time, I can’t tell you. I felt such a weight lifted from me and hope and understanding of me and what made me tick. It was a life changer and I finally started to feel that Dee was gonna be all right.
But it was scarier than hell being thrown back out to the wolves, which would be me, with my diseased brain, the Devil. Those hiding places were still there. Those chores were still there. My family was still there. And that job. How could I do this without alcohol? One day at a time.
One day at a time I did what was suggested. Alcoholics Anonymous was suggested. I did what the fellowship suggested as well. I got to work the steps. I got to figure out what to do with this fear-based Dee. I got to do it with others who didn’t judge me. One day at a time.
And one day at a time the new sober Dee got feeling better, got to ride the pink cloud, got a life, got to feel comfortable in her skin. One day at a time Dee didn’t go to as many meetings and didn’t reach out to those in need. One day at a time got Dee to pick up a drink again after 13-1/2 years of sobriety. Dee even said, “No, thanks. I don’t drink.” But when that shot of tequila was left for her nevertheless, the Devil with his wicked smile yelled, “Drink me! Drink me! No one will know. You’ll be fine. You don’t have a problem anymore. Just one!” Well, I was off and running again, just like I was taught in AA. That first drink woke up that part of my brain that was resting for a decade, allowing my heart to be my guide. It yelled, “MORE!”
It was no wonder I drank. I no longer had an insurance policy against the disease. I stopped paying my premium long ago when I removed myself from the fellowship and the newcomers who needed me and who I needed to remind myself of where I came from. I was no longer in service. One day at a time. I rationalized so much shit in my head again. My journey. My lesson. I can’t keep it unless I give it away.
So I’m back and even more grateful and humble and closer to my Higher Power than ever. I’ve been chosen once again to be sober, to live with my toolbox of solutions for a better and meaningful life with a fellowship of genuinely caring, loving people. They are “the world” with whom I choose to surround myself. Not “Tom, Dick and Harry” who tell me I am less-than and not worthy. Today my purpose of carrying the message of “Experience, Strength and Hope” to and with whoever enters my Dee Bubble is key. It is a gift. And I can be proud of who and what I am today because I’m not drinking or using. I am keeping my insurance premiums paid. I am giving what was so freely given to me when I needed it most. Life is awesome!
Let’s share with our planet, our humanity, that we together can make a world of difference! And with our ripple effects we shall get to experience the beauty that is right here, right now, at the tips of our noses.
For those interested in Inspirational Gifts with a Message of Hope, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo and have a great day!
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- Tags: Alcoholics Anonymous, Hope, Inspiration, Recovery, Self-Love, Self-Worth, Sobriety, Well-Being